breaking at the cracks....

so I'm in my room-performing miscellaneous tasks in preparation or bed. smooth, calming music? itunes search... colbie caillat.  maybe a bad choice. every line of almost every song puts me into thought that my body doesn't have energy for. life reels. without thinking i click the "facebook" button on the top of my screen. I almost enter in the status "breaking at the cracks" and then I thought... no body REALLY cares or will even understand what I'm saying. Hence the new post coming your way-whoever actually reads this.  So to those of you who are so bored that you are reading this post... yes I'm "breaking at the cracks".

I'm breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo~ Love I need you back

i miss those blue eyes

how you kiss me at night

i miss the way we sleep

like there's no sunrise

like the taste in your smile

i miss the way we breathe

no i can't spell it out for you
if you just realize what i just realized
that we'd be perfect for each other

the little things you do to me

are taking me over i wanna show you

everything inside of me

i don't know but i think i may be

falling for you dropping so quickly

i think i felt my heart skip a beat
we're standing here i can hardly breathe
you got me ya you got me

I'm running around without you baby

I'm running around all over town

but i look everywhere and no one compares

cause nothings as good

If the world stops turning

if the sun stops burning

when the cold wind starts to blow

i want to let you know

oh I'll never let you go



yes, colbie, you've got my life down to a tee. You have taken my heart and put it to a beat and made millions off of it.  I am literally here-breaking at the cracks.  One moment I feel completely in control and the next moment everything is put in perspective and I break down unexpectedly.  How much longer? How many more nights will I climb into bed without a kiss goodnight from the one I love? 507 days. JULY 12,2012. you are not coming fast enough.

valenTIMES

well happy valentines day, single awareness day, whatever you'd like to call it.  This valentines day I am stuck somewhere in the middle.  There is no card, no roses, no hot date. This is different, however, than my past valentines that didn't include these things. I am NOT loveless.  There is a boy, thousands of miles away, that loves me and is thinking about me today. I know he is wishing he was able to be here with me on valentines.  I'm proud of him for being where he should be, even if it isn't with me.
a little thing about him.. he calls this day valenTIMES day. I would always make fun of him for this... one of the words he says incorrectly.  I find it adorable. I have found myself saying it and writing it this way. 

I see the hustle and bustle of this day around me.  Friends planning dates, getting presents, concocting surprises.  I'd by lying if I said this didn't phase me. I do wish I had someone making plans for me... but in all honesty if it wasn't from my TRUE valenTIME then it wouldn't mean anything.  He is the one that i want a "happy valentines" from. he is the one i want "roses" from.  I want to sit at dinner with him. I want to kiss HIM goodnight. 

so for now... this valentines day. and the next. I will be a patient girl.  dateless, cardless, roseless, but NEVER loveless.




last valentines day... we were matching-not on purpose :) great minds think alike



so...to my boy in panama... HAPPY VALENTMES DAY!

life can get busy really quickly and needless to say, updating my blog usually goes to the back burner... if not completely off the stove. but I'm back.... not much to say as usual and not quite sure why the sudden urge to blog has come over me. the semester is well under way and I am in my first week of exams.  The week that is dreaded from the very beginning. It is amazing how I can go from honestly enjoying a class and then he mentions the first exam and it all goes away.  Honestly, why do we always have to be tested in life to prove that we are growing or learning?

while in this stage of my life.. it feels like every day is a test. a test of how smart I am. how popular I am. how loved I am. how driven I am.

I wish i could live outside of these tests but most are inescapable.  My major is exercise science. often this has the connotation of being one of the "EASY MAJORS". so what? i didn't choose it because it is an "EASY MAJOR" I chose it because I am interested in it.  Yes, pick up your jaw from the floor. people still do that. pick a major that will make them happy... not what will make them famous, rich, or brilliant.  I know that I am smart and I know I could go on and become something with 6 zeros tacked onto the end. but that's not what I've chosen. and those that support me... thank you.

In thinking about this I kind of put my relationship to the test. my loganite-missionary relationship that is. this kid, boy, man, elder that is loving me from thousands of miles away.. would he be proud of me even though I'm not shooting for the "rich" stars? you know what, he IS proud of me. he loves me for me and he knows that if I am happy then we will be happy. and I feel the same way about him.

      you know... i miss that a lot. having him here to listen to all my crazy thoughts, fears, and doubts. his amazing ability to kiss them all away. "I miss everything about you"

I am trying to use these two years to do everything an independent girl should do. meet people, date, go on crazy adventures, start a career, become strong, develop spiritually, and be perfectly fine without a man. well I'm doing SOME of these things.

my newest crazy adventure.. i applied to work at Brighton LDS girls camp. 9 weeks of the summer-guiding beehives.  I really hope that i will get the opportunity to do this. something selfless and meaningful.  This would also give me an incredible opportunity to grow in the gospel and gain an even stronger testimony.  I know that Bryce is out there growing SO much and that I'm growing in ways he isn't... but i wanted to get a taste of what he goes through every single day. I need to start taking advantage of this time I have all to myself. Make it worth while. 

so am I passing all of these "tests"? which "tests" am I failing if any? any extra credit?